I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I want to stick my p in your. b.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
