Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
