woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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