WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
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The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
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I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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