made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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