there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
