Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Welp...herpes.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Dick very happy bro
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
