god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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