I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
