birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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