Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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