I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
