For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.