3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!