The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
