Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I need water and some morals
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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