I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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