if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
