i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
My ATM looks so different sober.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
