I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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