don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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