Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
