apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize