moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
They should really pass out barf bags in church
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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