on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
