Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
