do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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