You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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