There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
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We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
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Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
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