I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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