that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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