I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
