dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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