Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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