bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize