i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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