why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
you have to choose: penises or morals?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
