Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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