Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
