so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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