he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
