ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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