you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
