I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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