The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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