im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
