after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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