My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
