pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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