This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
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And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
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Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?