Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
