Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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