peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
