When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
