Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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